past lives
Doorways: Push or Pull?
“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” — Socrates
A while back I was having terrible meditations. Nothing was working and nothing was happening. I realize that in some meditation systems that that is part of the point, but for Audinometry, the sound current meditation system I practice, that is not usually the case. It is a very active set of inner exercises, a bit like juggling between mental and spiritual gymnastics.
Anyway, this went on for days and days, which then became weeks. I tried all kinds of things. Every technique I knew about. Every technique that usually got me out of anything like this. I started doubting everything. Myself, the people around me, the world in general. I was in trouble and it seemed there was no cavalry in the distance. My attitude was in the toilet, and I starting not caring if it got flushed down the pike.
Those weeks became more than a month, and I had just about forgotten what a good meditation was. And I knew I was in trouble when I just gave up and didn’t care at all anymore. But because I didn’t care I did nothing. I just raised my hands. Walked off. Gave up. Who cares?
Revolving Wombs & Tombs
“Reincarnation is a way for God to improve his earlier works.” – Norman Mailer
At first I had a hard time mentally accepting the idea of past lives. There didn’t seem like any real logic to it. I mean actually, the idea had some coolness about it. How hip could it be that we been revolving in and out of this place for, what? Centuries? Eons? So hey, we’ve probably seen and done all kinds of things, right? It fit right into the sixties thing, so yeah man, it was cool. But coolness and logic were different things, and they were locking horns inside me. I guess the whole thing made me feel eerie.
But hey, I was only in college at this time, and I didn’t need to figure it out right now. It had only come up because I started reading all these books on metaphysics, trying to understand what these experiences I was having were all about. And most of them got into the reincarnation thing. I didn’t care about that; I just wanted to know what the hell was happening to me.
As I read more and more, I realized I needed to find a teacher of some sort, someone to guide me through some of this. I wasn’t interested in the eastern guru paradigm. Somehow paying allegiance, homage or devotion to someone like that just didn’t feel right for me. More like someone who had experience (way?) beyond mine who was more like a teacher at a university who you just took a class from, with a more distant relationship akin to that. I didn’t want someone to hold my hand, just someone who could point at a road that maybe I should try. But the more I looked, the harder it seemed to find someone like that. Most of them were so into their own trips, it all seemed fake to me.