Doorways: Push or Pull?

“The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new.” — Socrates

A while back I was having terrible meditations. Nothing was working and nothing was happening. I realize that in some meditation systems that that is part of the point, but for Audinometry, the sound current meditation system I practice, that is not usually the case. It is a very active set of inner exercises, a bit like juggling between mental and spiritual gymnastics.

Anyway, this went on for days and days, which then became weeks. I tried all kinds of things. Every technique I knew about. Every technique that usually got me out of anything like this. I started doubting everything. Myself, the people around me, the world in general. I was in trouble and it seemed there was no cavalry in the distance. My attitude was in the toilet, and I starting not caring if it got flushed down the pike.

Those weeks became more than a month, and I had just about forgotten what a good meditation was. And I knew I was in trouble when I just gave up and didn’t care at all anymore. But because I didn’t care I did nothing. I just raised my hands. Walked off. Gave up. Who cares?

And then it happened. Because I had gotten in the habit of meditating every day for the past forty years or so, I was still doing this by rote even though nothing was actually happening in meditation. On this particular day I was meditating outside, which I occasionally do when the weather is agreeable. We happen to live on some acreage near a mountain with a wonderful view. So there is some value in that, as I sit in meditation with my eyes closed I can periodically get some pleasure if I open them and take in the view.

One other piece of information before I go any farther. There was something that seemed to possibly coincide with the situation I currently found myself in. I had this intermittent small sharp pain in the middle of my back. It didn’t occur regularly so I did not necessarily attribute it to what was going on my meditation life. It seemed to be more of a nuisance every once in a while. However, I did leave open the possibility they were connected.

But on this particular day, I had given up, let go, que’ sera’ sera’ as they say, didn’t care if it was about my back or something else, and just totally gave in. And yes as I said, then it happened. While in meditation, it all broke loose. I had a vision, an epiphany, a something. As it was happening I realized I was in the middle of a memory, because there was a sense of familiarity as if I had been here before. The problem is … this was not from this lifetime. Just taking it all in, that was quite obvious.

Now I have spoken of past lives before (here and here), but it’s not something I usually delve into or concern myself with very much. What’s done is done, and why worry about it, especially if it could be from another lifetime. I mean how farther away from something can you get than that?

What was complicated about this particular memory is that it happened to be a very traumatic moment and unusual set of circumstances both for myself and others around me. And what also made it highly unusual for me, was that it was so vivid it was if I was in the middle of it as if it was happening right in those moments in real time. And the monumental feeling of that trauma hit me like a freight train.

As I began remembering the details of that situation, I could feel the emotion reel up in me. I fought hard to control it, but the dam eventually broke. I fought off the tears for a while, but they eventually came. I was literally shaking. In that life I was a person in charge and a person others looked to for guidance. I remembered the event and realized I needed to get clear of all that turmoil and emotion.

I spent some time doing all the things inside that I had been trained to do, and suddenly my meditation went off the charts. I was free and flying again, as if all was right with life and the universe. And I had not even tried. For what had really happened is that I had bound myself up in that moment back in time, because of the circumstances that had been set in motion. And I did not get free and clear of it. I had let it trap me. And about 200 years later, it reared it’s ugly head again. There was something in myself I had to face and fix, because I had no other place to go if I didn’t.

That past month or so I did not understand why all this had been happening to me, but over the next few days it all become much clearer. And by the way, that pain in my back went away. Symptom of a situation that needed to be fixed. I felt lucky that I got the chance to do exactly that. But I also figured something else about that. I wasn’t doing some of my meditation techniques quite right. I had gotten lazy and sloppy, and I was trying too hard to force things. Because a lot of the time the doorway you need to go through doesn’t always swing the way you think. I had been pushing on a pull door for a while now, and had not relaxed into what was really going on and what I really needed to do. I needed to make a change to progress in a way that wasn’t on my radar. I think a lot of doors that lead to change actually open towards you, not away from you. And you can push on a pull door all you want, but it will never open. Unless you break it down. Which essentially I was trying to do, with little success, until it finally came apart. I think I need to remember that as I continue on my path to further spiritual growth. Happy trails.

TMC